Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
