I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
