I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
