just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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