Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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