I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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