the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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