it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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