Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
