I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
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