I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
