I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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