He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
