I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Randomize
