If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
