Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
