Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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