i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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