I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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