hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
