Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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