There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
