just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
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