I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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