Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
