omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
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Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
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Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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