all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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