meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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