Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Randomize
