Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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