you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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