The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
