I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
