my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Bring me that man meat
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
