i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
