This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
We were destined to go to rehab together
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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