I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Randomize
