I wish I could punch you in the face.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Randomize
