Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
