Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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