I want to have your abortion
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Bring me that man meat
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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