the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
