I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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