I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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