he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
