you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
