woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
