hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She's the barista slut.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Randomize
