is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
