i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
