After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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