She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
