its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
