So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
